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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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