Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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