my vag is so smooth its legendary
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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