she looked like the bat from fern gully.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
