Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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