So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
