i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
