Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
too bad you live with your parents still
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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