Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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