I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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