There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
