I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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