Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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