Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
