I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
