now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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