i don't like sucking hair
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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