It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
