your parents love me but you hate me
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
