You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
