What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
