No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
