You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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