were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
