bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
