So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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