it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize