Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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