Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize