I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
