evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
