Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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