Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
