Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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