My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
