advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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