I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
did i just pee glitter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My life is pants optional.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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