This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
