I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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