fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
