i was born a porn star she said
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
