there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
