Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
