I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
