Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize