The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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