you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
