I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
