I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
