god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
