I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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