once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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