Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
