I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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