"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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