Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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