Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize