Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
