Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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