i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
