capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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