No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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