sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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