someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
